how it started:
“do you always joke around this much?” he makes a slow right turn, but he nearly clips a passing bicyclist and curses, widens his eyes as he looks to me in shared, sort of amused mortification about what might have happened.
i scrunch my nose and idly turn my phone over in my hands. we’re approaching the ramp to the freeway, heading home, and i mentally calculate how much longer we have to talk - and if i’m not finished or dissatisfied, would it be okay to ask for a detour?
“yeah,” i say, as we merge with the speeding traffic. “but i don’t really think i like doing it.”
this was the beginning of a rather important (i think) conversation i had last night, and i subsequently used it as an introduction to the initial entry.
i decided i wasn’t really going to post what i wanted to, but here are a few bits from it:
- he and i also discussed how shy i am and how that might be detrimental to nourishing relationships i’ve at least started to form with others.
- my more concrete relationships exist because the people have stuck around long enough for me to get comfortable, which takes a lot of time and constant exposure, but clearly not every relationship made is going to work that way or possess that same amount of patience.
- i don’t know if there’s a sociological science behind this, but the majority of my long-lasting relations are comprised of extroverted individuals.
- i’m largely passive about my interactions with people because i constantly think that i have to wait for some “OK” signal that i can assess as “permission” for me to take initiative and not made to feel weird or insecure about it.
- what it ultimately comes down to is that i’m afraid of losing people - so much that i oftentimes find myself paralyzed from forming bonds with others. it’s essentially a passive way of saying, it’s your call; do whatever you want, leave whenever you want. i don’t want to sound like a cliché, but it’s kind of something i’ve grown accustomed to, so i use the concept of “initiation” as a way to determine whether my presence means anything to another person.
complexes: what ever would i do without them?
as for the whole bit about joking around, it really became more about how i felt towards those who (unknowingly) make me feel like there’s a certain way i can only be around them. and in the bigger picture, i intuit the perceptions people have of me and consequently live up to a designated role, which is why some aspects of my personality are emphasized depending on whose company i’m sharing. to say i’ve lost myself is a bit of an understatement.